"THINNING THE HERD" 2007 DARWIN AWARDS

Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.  The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.  The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.  The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons.  No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M.  so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement.  Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 AM.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.  They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Sh** happens!"

Do you know, the early space craft used to deposit crap out into space - well you wouldn't want it in that little capsule, would you?  Of course, this stuff then continues to orbit for quite a while before eventually dropping back to earth.

I'm looking forward to the day when one of those space amateur/enthusiasts who pay for a trip into orbit gets to do a space walk and just happens to be in the wrong place when some of that stuff comes around at 20,000mph. Then the *censored* will really hit the fan.

when some of that stuff comes around at 20,000mph

This won't happen, because spacewalker travels with the same speed as "that stuff" does.

[Moderator]

Runner up is dis-qualified as he is not checked out of the gene-pool....
Can't find any verification on #1

I have a 4 year old Edition i still turn to when i need cheering up !

It seems to be an urban legend afterall:
http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp



Also:
http://www.matthewarnoldstern.com/speeches/ul.html

Even if you set aside the facts that:

    * There is no zoo in Paderborn, Germany.
    * There is no record of any zookeeper named Friedrich Riesfeldt.
    * This story was originally published in that pinnacle of quality journalism, the World Weekly News.

The photo still shows that the story is a complete fabrication.

    * The incident supposedly took place in the evening, but the photo appears to have been taken at midday.
    * The background shows an open African plain, not a German zoo with lots of buildings.
    * Although the picture tries to do a convincing job of showing poor Herr Riesfeldt trapped under the pachyderm poop, it doesn't show the equipment he supposedly used to help the elephant with his problem.

[Moderator]

Wendy Northcutt is the Official Author of the Awards...Dutton Publishing is the publisher.

Many people have capitalised on the fame of this research project and published tons of drivel...

when some of that stuff comes around at 20,000mph

This won't happen, because spacewalker travels with the same speed as "that stuff" does.

Aw come on, don't be a party-pooper. It's a joke.

And anyway, what if they were going the other way round? Go on, tell me they always orbit the same way.

Or they were passing through the sh*t orbit when moving to higher orbit. What about the time
the shuttle had a window shatter as a result of hitting a fleck of paint in orbit? Or is that an urban myth too?

Aw come on, don't be a party-pooper. It's a joke.

I couldn't help it. It must be my type of education....LOL

tell me they always orbit the same way.

Yes.

Or they were passing through the sh*t orbit when moving to higher orbit.

That's possible.
While in orbit, already, they use engines mostly for adjusting their position, only.

The aspect of the picture of the elephant that seems to me an obvious indication of it being fake is the proportionate sizes of the elephant, the pile of elephant dung, and the man's forearms sticking out from under the pile.  Since elephants can exceed 4 tons in weight, 200 pounds of poop isn't going to look nearly as big in comparison to the animal as what's shown in that photo.