I have learned some strange things.
I removed my USB internet adapter, and guess what? The noise stopped immediately! The computer works flawlessly...as long as it's not connected to the internet! I'm not sure if it's overheating or the cord is problematic, or what. I read
some dells have a noise issue with bluetooth being disabled to save power, and I was able to turn off the "disable to save power" option for the USB root hubs. Just to be sure, I have plugged the adapter in directly (doesn't really fit). The noise still continues when data is transferred occasionally, but this is more of a performance query than a noise one. Just as long as THE noise, and not a similar USB sourced one goes, I am happy as I could be.
Honestly I don't know if I have it figured out, depends on if the noise/"processing interrupts" continue while online. I would rather have a PCMCIA adapter, but I bought one and it's like...25% as fast as the USB one. Ehh.
Strange problem, eh? I was just about to go reinstalling graphics drivers in desperation...