Relationship advice

[reddevilggg]

I hate relationship threads, but I could do with some advice and this is the only forum i'm a member of, so...

In March me and my fiancee split up and it messed me up. I loved her so much that my brain went in to meltdown and I went into a depression that turned me into a mental and emotional wreck. I did stupid things and attempted things, anyway. It was a long and very dark road that i couldn't see the end of.

7 months later and things have started changing, I'm going to college,  I've started a band, I'm meeting new people and (this is the basis for this advice) I have started dating someone. I've told this girl where my head is and that i'm not ready for a relationship. I've told her that i'm still mentally and emotionally drained and I can't offer her the things that relationships needs to grow and prosper, but she says 'That's fine' and we can be 'more than friends'. The thing is I feel guilty. I know she likes me alot, but i feel like i'm using her as a crutch. I like her alot too, but I feel selfish (a trait that my ex pointed out oh so many times). Should i keep seeing her just because she makes me feel better about myself?? Is low self esteem a good reason for dating?? Should I wait until I feel better about myself??  Am I analyzing this to much?? I know relationships are usually related to teenagers but I'm a 40 year old man, who didn't think his life would travel this path.

Does anybody have any thoughts (I'd love to hear Ivy's, she always gives sound advice)

RDggg (lost in life)

[Helpmeh]

Well, I think you should stay together, do things you both like, and eventually you should be back to your normal, non-depressed/melted brain, self.

[reddevilggg]

Hmmm, the problem with that is because of the previous failed relationship, I am now very skeptical of how this will go. It's hard to disassociate one relationship from another. After all, it is living through mistakes and failures that influence future decisions.

Does anybody have any thoughts. I know this is a computer forum, so not many of you will have girlfriends  (only joking)

[patio]

Call Delilah...

[reddevilggg]

Delilah......as in the TOM Jones song........already had her. 

[patio]

Well then dash off a quick e-mail to Ann Landers describing your dilemna....

That or wait for BC to show up.

[Helpmeh]

wait for BC to show up.

Patio! I'm ashamed of you! How could you give someone such horrible advice!

Jk

[BC_Programmer]

Delilah? you mean Freddie Mercury's cat?


might add that "delilah" is also a Queen song...

Anyway, the important thing to remember, is that your own happiness is just as important as somebody elses- being called "selfish" just because you buy your bedridden grandmother a motorcycle and then use it as you please is nothing short... hey wait... what was I talking about... let me start over.


being called selfish just because you push your bedridden grandmother down the stairs... no, *censored*! let me try again...

being called selfish simply because you don't grovel before them and spend countless hundreds of thousands of dollars on exorbinant gifts, like motorcycl... NO! Not motorcycles, I mean, like diamond rings and so forth, and instead opt for say cubic zirconia, because otherwise you won't be able to buy your bedridden grandmother a new jetski, is... well, true, I suppose.

But therein lies the rub! Did you buy your bedridden grandmother a new jetski? a Motorcycle? Was the engagement ring Cubic Zirconia... and perhaps more to the point, did you only get Cubic Zirconia as opposed to diamond that because you wanted to buy a jetski? I think not. Therefore I declare you not selfish. And if you DID buy a jetski, you better give it to me, you know, prove your not actually selfish by giving.

P.S No, don't try to give me your bedridden grandmother. I'd have no place to put it. Also I prefer matched sets. preferably ones that can do card tricks or play poker.

[Allan]

You are requesting relationship advice on a tech support forum. Personally, I think that tells me all I need to know about you

[reddevilggg]

You are requesting relationship advice on a tech support forum. Personally, I think that tells me all I need to know about you

I hate relationship threads, but I could do with some advice and this is the only forum i'm a member of, so...

    

[Allan]

Yeah, I saw that, but still........

[reddevilggg]

For an advisor, you don't give much advice......oh yeah, I gotta stick to computers. I'm on a computer forum......in the 'Other' section.......and 'Off topic'...........nevermind. Just a thought. 

[Allan]

Trust me, you don't want my advice on relationships 

[reddevilggg]

Where's Ivy when I need her? 

[Aegis]

I think the fact that you were honest with this person from the start is a good thing.  You didn't present yourself as something else, only then to say, "I've nothing to give you."  It's her choice, too, to be here.  The trick is not to throw that at each other in a fight, or if there's a misunderstanding.

Some people do well as loners.  Most of us aren't wired that way.

I've got tons more about this, but I have some things to do, so I have to run.

[reddevilggg]

Thanks Aegis. We can chat on FB sometime. Nice farm by the way. 

[876543219]

Maybe a little humor will help your situation

look what you missed out on you should be happy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyqe8n-pbqQ


just kidden  they all don't turn out like that

there's always somebody worse off your not along

it's impossible for any of us to tell you exactly what to do but i got an idea tell her what you pretty much said in your post are show her the post
and you two talk it out

don't rush into a dicision make sure what you are doing feels right

[Ivy]

First of all I'm so sorry, I didn't see this thread earlier, just saw it.

While reading your post I felt that you are already doing the best that you could have done in this situation, You are going to college,  you've started a band, are meeting new people and most importantly are dating someone. I'm not suggesting that dating again after a breakup is the most important thing to do but it is defiantly important to go out with someone new after a period of time, and most importantly going out with the right person. And here also you seem to have done what's best, You are dating a person who loves you even though you have clearly told her how you feel and what your situation is, She knows exactly what you have gone through and still she wants to be with you, that's good for you. It's better to be with a person who loves you then to be with someone whom you love. Luckily you like her a lot too (you should have felt guilty if you were being with her just for the sake of being with someone, but as you said you like her a lot too so there's absolutely no need to feel guilty).
And please never think that you're being selfish for being with someone who makes you feel good about yourself.   Roy Croft once said “I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”  We all love to be loved.
For now take your time, I'd say be with her, and as time passes things will become clearer.

And Patio, just because you don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean that you are allowed to give bad advice  

[patio]

I saw nothing bad in my advice...and you're making assumptions.

[reddevilggg]

Thanks Ivy. I've always valued your advice whether it's been to me or someone else. I agree with what you say, but sometimes it's easy to get confused, especially when dealing with emotions etc. I think I just needed to hear someone say it (or write it), but i'm going to tread carefully and take my time and hope that this time it all goes well.

Anyway, onwards and upwards

Thanks for your time Ivy

and thanks Aegis

[Carbon Dudeoxide]

(I'd love to hear Ivy's, she always gives sound advice)

Without a doubt.

[Ivy]

I saw nothing bad in my advice...and you're making assumptions.

Patio, I was joking!!!! I was teasing you!! Please say that you did not take what I said seriously!! I said that cause I already know that you have a girlfriend. My goodness!! I was being funny....guess I should give up on humour!!
oww sorry , I could never seriously say anything like that to you!!

Reddevilggg You are most welcome, do tell me how things went in time.
Best of my wishes are with you.

And Carby.......look out for the face behind the fence....

[Aegis]

There was a song in the mid-1960's written by Randy Sparks.  As a young man, I didn't understand it -- I thought the song advocated irresponsibility.  Now that I'm older, I better appreciate the message.


Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
‘Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, Today

I’ll be a dandy, and I’ll be a rover
You’ll know who I am by the songs that I sing
I’ll feast at your table, I’ll sleep in your clover
Who cares what tomorrow shall bring

I can’t be contented with yesterday’s glory
I can’t live on promises winter to spring
Today is my moment, now is my story
I’ll laugh and I’ll cry and I’ll sing

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
‘Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, Today

Words and Music by Randy Sparks

[reddevilggg]

Oh God, Now my ex has sent me a e-mail (we have had no contact for about a month and the last contact we had wasn't to pleasant) and she wants to know that if we 'bump' into each other that we can speak and 'go for a coffee'. She asks this while still posting derogatory remarks about me on other forums (using her real name and picture as avatar).

Why can't she just go away. I don't know what to do. Life has thrown me another curved ball.

My girlfriend is in America at the moment. San Francisco to be exact and i'm wondering whether i should send her a copy of the mail to see what she thinks. 

[JXY]

naw. personally, i think it'd be a good idea to jus tell your ex that you've moved on. Moved past the bitter swills of your previous relationship and decided to turn a fresh page. 

oh and ...

And Carby.......look out for

aha...ahaha....ahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAAAAAAAAAAA. 

[Carbon Dudeoxide]

oh and ...

And Carby.......look out for

aha...ahaha....ahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA. 

Okay.....I'll see you on msn...... 

[Aegis]

My girlfriend is in America at the moment. San Francisco to be exact and i'm wondering whether i should send her a copy of the mail to see what she thinks. 

Don't do this, yet.  I make a general comment about human nature, and nothing specific about anyone involved, that even with a ton of explanation, your current girlfriend might misinterpret the e-mail.

I'm not saying to hide it!  You might tell her verbally, tell her you're concerned, see where it goes.

Your "ex" is trying to have her proverbial cake and eat it, too. 

[leejaedong]

Oh God, Now my ex has sent me a e-mail (we have had no contact for about a month and the last contact we had wasn't to pleasant) and she wants to know that if we 'bump' into each other that we can speak and 'go for a coffee'. She asks this while still posting derogatory remarks about me on other forums (using her real name and picture as avatar).

Now thats nice  . I suggest to avoid her for the mean time. The fact that you two didnt have a pleasant exchange the last time you talked with each other, seems most likely that it will happen again.

Although you have to close this part/chapter of your life. Just take it slowly. Tell her that you've moved on already. You can try to discuss this with your current girl and see what she thinks about it (in a way that concerned way that is.)

[Googlemistress]

. sorry

[Aegis]

Deleted. Not worth it.

The thread, or the post, he wonders...

[reddevilggg]

. sorry

Whats that about??

[reddevilggg]

My head hurts 

[reddevilggg]

I've got tons more about this, but I have some things to do, so I have to run

Can I PM you for advice on things.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place!!!!   

[Aegis]

Of course.  Please do.  I appreciate the courtesy, but you didn't have to ask.   

[cat-bomb]

My girlfriend is in America at the moment. San Francisco to be exact and i'm wondering whether i should send her a copy of the mail to see what she thinks.

Yes you should send it. Be honest with her. Even in something bad happens.

[Aegis]

Yes you should send it. Be honest with her. Even in something bad happens.

Easy for you to "say."

I'm not exactly advocating hiding the e-mail, but don't send it -- it's too easy to misinterpret e-mail and things like that when sent over the 'net.

If you must show it, show it when you can both talk about it face to face.

[reddevilggg]

Things aren't going well. I think it may be me. She's nice but.........?

I dont know     

[james202428]

.

[Aegis]

try to give the top reasons why you don't know what to do.

It's not a game show.

Besides, if he had concrete reasons, he'd know.

Feelings are hard to sort.

[reddevilggg]

I'm finding it hard to connect to my current girlfriend. Shes nice but, there's nothing there for me. It's really hard. I've got a feeling that i'm going to end up upsetting her.

My ex-girlfriend (we split about 8 months ago) is moving back to her family, about 230 miles away. That's all i can think about. I want her to be happy, but knowing that i'll never see her again is really upsetting me. I don't want her to go. I know i still love her, i can't seem to shake it.

I'm really ^*%*$£$** off at myself for feeling this way. Knowing there's nothing i can do. BAH!!! AND DOUBLE BAH!!!
   
AAARRGGHHH!!!!!

(i'm gonna slope off a have a good cry!!!)

[james202428]

\

[reddevilggg]

I have just split with my girlfriend. She's really upset. I think it's for the best though. I can't do it anymore. It's not fair on her. Now she hates me. She now joins the list of people who don't want to speak to me. I feel such a git. I suppose i am. 

I said 'there's nothing i can do' because my ex wouldn't even consider me and I don't think she ever will.


Well, there goes another night of emotional grief in the reddevilggg household.

 

[reddevilggg]

.

[james202428]

you said you have just split up with your girlfriend is that in like an hour ago are so ago are about 10 minutes ago i noticed there was only a 16 minute difference between posts

If she doesn't even want to consider you i'm afraid that's her decision and there's nothing i think you should do about it besides try to talk it out are has she already told you she doesn't want to talk about it anymore--And if she doesn't want to talk about it i think you should leave it at that you can't make somebody love are want to be with you. If they don't want to.

[Googlemistress]

I shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It was only 6 months since you split with your ex. You need to give yourself time to get over it and be yourself again.

You had a relationship that didn't work out shortly after a fairly traumatic break up. There is no wonder it didn't work really, but you were open and honest about that from the beginning. The new ex probably doesn't hate you, she is just upset and hurt. Give yourself a break.

Try and look at the positives. You know that you can meet someone else. That's positive. Other women like you. That is also positive. You are better about your original break up than you were. You said you have come out of things better than you went into them, that is positive.

Don't look at the negatives so much unless you are going to learn from them. Like don't rush into relationships when you're not over a previous one. 

You didn't set out to hurt this other woman, you just didn't know how you were going to feel. That is forgiveable.

AS for your ex leaving to live 230 miles away. Maybe that is good. It may help you to close that chapter and move on that way.

Anyway, good luck with it all.

Take care of yourself.

[reddevilggg]

To be absolutely honest, that isn't what I wanted to hear. Nevermind.

I'm gonna go away. 

[Googlemistress]

Sometimes what you want to hear and what you need to hear are different things. There's only so long you can feel sorry for yourself about things that aren't going to change.

[patio]

I think it may be the hard drive...have you run the diagnostics from the drive manuf. site ? ?

[cat-bomb]

Hey man, just relax, give yourself a break. Its better for bolth of the people to be happy. Anyway, why not give yourself a break from relaton ships. (urgg im a mental mess right now myself im not going to say next part)

[Helpmeh]

I think it may be the hard drive...have you run the diagnostics from the drive manuf. site ? ?

What?

[patio]

What?

Or double-check if it's the correct RAM...

[BC_Programmer]

don't forget to try a PS/2 keyboard.

[cat-bomb]

Sorry about my earlier post, I was not mentally stable at the moment.

Now about you
I think it is best if you just stay out of relationships for a while. It seems like to me that you have been in and out of them for quite some time and it is time to take a break and get orientated. Once you feel confident and have put your ex-wife behind it will be time to decide wither you think you are ready to be in a relationship.

Also:
The past is behind, the future is in front, and you know what the past is but the future holds mystery yet to be discovered.

[Karnac]

It's usually the floppy that loses its drive.

[JJ 3000]

To be absolutely honest, that isn't what I wanted to hear. Nevermind.

I'm gonna go away. 

Gosh, I hope he didn't do anything drastic. He hasn't been active since he made this post.
I hope that he meant he was just going to go out and enjoy some fresh air, but that "I'm gonna go away" remark worries me.

Does anyone know him outside of the forum?

In March me and my fiancee split up and it messed me up. I loved her so much that my brain went in to meltdown and I went into a depression that turned me into a mental and emotional wreck. I did stupid things and attempted things, anyway. It was a long and very dark road that i couldn't see the end of.

[reddevilggg]

Thank you JJ 3000 for your concern, I really appreciate it.

I have been thinking long and hard, almost to the point of meditation, about certain aspects of my life. I split with a fantastic woman because, for some inexplicable reason, i thought i might have a slim chance of something happening with my previous ex (googlemistress), But as you can see by her last post, 'things aren't going to change'. I don't even know why i thought they would. It brings to mind 'Fool' by Henry Rollins

I'm a fool when i need you
I'm a fool to believe
My heart is so wide open
I'm so easy to deceive
I'm a fool i keep believing
I'm a fool i believe at all
I'm a fool who'll keep on trying
and like a fool i will fall

Anyway, like i said, i've split with a fantastic woman because of this. So, i've sat her down and told her everything that has happened, the way i feel, the way i thought i felt, my outlook for the future, why i think i feel this, why i thought 'this and that' etc etc. EVERYTHING. She listened, she was upset we had split. She talked, i talked, we both cried and the outcome is that we are dating again. We sorted alot of things out. It also seems, because we had a long, honest and emotional conversation, that i've finally exorcised my ex out of my head. As soon as it all came out it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders and dark clouds parted to reveal sunlight. My current girlfriend has been there for me through some crap times. Even before we were together she was there for me when i 'attempted things', she has been like a rock, she still wants to be here now and that says alot. (She's mad, only joking). I now know that i can give her what she deserves. My undivided attention. 100%. It's weird how it took this to bring us closer together, but now i'm really happy.

Thank you to everyone who read this and gave advice. It's much appreciated. Especially in a computer forum. (like i said in an earlier post, i'm not a member of many forums, but i'm glad i posted it here).

If anyone has any questions or more advice, please feel free to post. Thanks again. 

[patio]

Have you checked out the hard drive as was suggested ? ?

[Aegis]

I suspect they did that after they talked.   

[Karnac]

It's always a lack of communication.......the rest of the time it's infidelity, usually caused by a lack of communication, usually caused by a lack of........ohhh......never mind.

[james202428]

It's good to see a smiley face in one of your posts again hope they continue.

[reddevilggg]

Well, i'm back.....and you'll never believe it....it was the hard drive after all

Thanks Patio. 

(Now can you lock this topic, it's now redundant)

[patio]

You're Welcome...

Glad i could help.

[reddevilggg]

If i said i was single again would you all tell me to go jump??? 

[Helpmeh]

If i said i was single again would you all tell me to go jump??? 

Nahh...I'm single! However, my "love life" is a lot more complicated than I'd like...

[rthompson80819]

Nahh...I'm single!/quote]

You're 14!  I hope you are still single.

[Helpmeh]

I hope you are still single.

[reddevilggg]

Hooray, i think i'm free from the prying eyes, ha fat chance,

Hello guest.

[Helpmeh]

Hooray, i think i'm free from the prying eyes, ha fat chance,

Hello guest.

What?

[BC_Programmer]

Hooray, i think i'm free from the prying eyes, ha fat chance,

are you saying you're pursuing fat chicks now?

[Quantos]

are you saying your pursuing fat chicks now?

Fat chicks are just like a moped, lots of fun to ride - until your friends catch you.