Subject: World History - As it Really Happened
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two
most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
inventions were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
and
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, so this spurred the
creation of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
*censored*.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, test pilots, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will
be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to
piss them off.
